when is over, really over?
my mind is tired,
my body is weak,
my heart has grown weary.
yet the tears still come
even when i don't want them to
i'm not me anymore.
he broke me
and i don't know how to fix me.

50 DAYS

why do we constantly set ourselves up for disappointment? do we never really learn or does the heart simply not grow weary?
countless are the times that i have gotten my hopes raised high only to have them crushed into a millions of minute pieces and trampled upon.
indeed today is indeed one of those days.
50 days past, no more no less since i watched you walking away from behind bars, calling out your name yet eliciting no reaction. straight on you walked.
50 days i have tried to let you know that she needs you, hoping that it would appeal to the better person in you.
50 days i tried to reach out, to bridge what is left of the connection between flesh and blood,
yet countless days i have spent covering up and making stories that are far from reality.
countless nights have i spent wiping tears and assuring that i alone was enough.
50 days have passed, thrice she has seen you but it has never been enough.
50 days past and it is crystal that you have time to invest in the company of others, yet not hers.
50 days past with you giving warm embraces to everybody but her.
was it too much to ask for but a few hours in those 50 days?
for even in her sleep she calls out your name
perhaps it has been too much from the beginning
for we can never force something on somebody who never wanted it from the start.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: thinking may be hazardous to your health

lately, being superwoman and the energizer bunny has started to take its toll on me. sleeping for more than four and a half hours is now a luxury. Meals are forgotten and having a day with nothing to do is quite impossible.i have lost a considerable amount of weight and have dark circles under my eyes. a couple of nights ago, about three people told me i needed to eat. one of them even said "kangkong na may bagoong" and other vegetables to fatten me up.
waking up at wee hours either to write or make calls, working twelve hour shifts and still writing in between is not a joke.amidst all this, i am a full time mom (and dad). I find the time to dance to kid's songs and give hugs, to reprimand and comfort, and to fill in for everything else.
i've been asked and i myself have often wondered why i subdue myself to this. it started as a diversion. i use to fear the days when i would have nothing but time to think but i realized that even when i tried to escape it, unsolicited thoughts popped up; now this is simply a lifestyle.
it is tiring and i would like to go back to when i had more time to do nothing but last night my daughter said the most rewarding thing "mommy, i'm so proud of you for working hard". i think i may just be able to carry on being superwoman/energizer bunny after all.

my new room

so we realize that in life no regrets isn't as attainable as it may seem. no matter how hard we try there will be things worth regretting. to put it the way a friend would, the question we ask ourselves is "are we allowed to have VIP rooms for regrets in our lives?" i dare say that i have exactly this. it is but one room with but one set of regrets. to whom they belong, only my heart knows.
a strange and painful yet peaceful feeling within me is asking to be let in. i have decided to open my door to it. she calls herself acceptance, and she's brought her friend named change along. now that i've let them in willingly, life has promised more mornings with sunshine and less rain.
they say it's okay for me to take a peek into my VIP room once in a while, but never to let myself inside totally lest i be eaten alive by what-might-have-been's and what-could-have-been's.
instead, they asked that i build a new room, one that is empty and waiting to be filled with something better than regrets.they say that their friend happiness would like to occupy it. so i said " it would be super to have happiness around".
I've been pondering about what color to paint the new room i'm going to be building for happiness. i 've decided on white; it's fresh, clean and new. it would make for a great place to paint happy things on.
so i'm taking my tools out, sawing and hammering away. I've gotten a few splinters, but acceptance and change remind me that i can always pull it out and put a band-aid over it. they say there'll be more and that i should get used to it. so i've used up a couple and stacked my shelves with more so there'll be plenty to go around until i finish the new room.
they say i'm going to forget about all the splinters when i see the room all done. i guess then i'll keep building it and i'll keep looking forward to having happiness move into it.

2 pesos

floating from here to there going nowhere.
laughing, not remembering, can't i stay intoxicated forever?
is there really a need to wake up the next day and realize that nothing was ever ok.
gotta smile and let everybody believe i'm me,
even when i just want to break down and cry
it's killing me trying
couldn't it be as easy as one two three
to go back to the way things used to be
i guess not...i did something monumentally bad
was it really me? was it just you? or was it never meant to be?
everybody gave what they could, it was never really enough was it?
here we are again,but there's something different about the way it is today
today's not surreal, it's real...

so i heard you're taking a chance
moving on to step two
i know you well enough to say
that you're putting everything away
time's up for me
i have to let you be,
so i'm giving up this fight..
if you ever find the time
take a step back and see
i'll be here all the way
just as i always used to be
if you don't find me
don't be fooled by what you're eyes won't let you see
though you may never really know
though you may never really feel
i'll be there
listen hard for the sound far away
that will have been a clap from me
i always have been and
always will be you're greatest fan
because it will always be worth 2 pesos for me